The Rhyming Curse
by lurv2boogie
Summary: Padfoot’s amazing Charms skills backfire when he attempts at besting Moony during a Prank War. Now, somehow, the Marauders are beset by the treacherous rhyming curse… and can’t get rid of it. [LExJP heartachey goodness, parody RLxSB]
1. The Rhyming Curse

**A/N: Hey, I thought this would be a welcome change from all the intense fics I've been writing. Anyway, R&R and enjoy! This is dedicated to my buddy, Ashton, who has helped me so much with betaing etc (even when I'm being a pain in the ass!).**

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James Potter was smashed.

There was simply no other way to put it. He'd arrived at the Gryffindor Common Room at one in the morning, coming back from the New Year's party being held in the Room of Requirement by a few Ravenclaw prefects. Even in his drunken stupor, he somehow managed to evade teachers who were stalking the corridors in the hopes of catching students out of bed. James was obviously rip-roaring drunk. He was rip-roaring drunk, and hiccupping.

_And_ currently singing at the top of his lungs.

"… I am beautiful – _hic_ – no matter what they say… _hic… _so don't you bring me down today! Oooooh, oooh. Don't you bring me down to- Ow!" In his drunken state, James glanced down unsteadily at the floor to see what he had tripped over. Unfortunately, most of it was masked by shadow. James bent down and put his hands over the top of the object, feeling along the sides until he reached something that felt peculiarly like a jaw line.

"Stop feeling me up, Prongs, or you'll be paying for my psychiatrist."

"Moo-hoony? What are you – _hic – _doing on the floor?" James slurred, squinting in the darkness. Remus Lupin looked up at him for a moment, before sitting up slowly and looking around the Common Room, uncannily alert. Must be the werewolf in him, James mused absently.

"Well, if you must know," Remus said hesitantly, "I'm hiding."

"HIDING?!" James yelled. Remus clapped a hand over James' mouth.

"Yes," he whispered urgently, "hiding."

"But… but who from?" James said, pausing for a moment to think. Suddenly he broke into unexpected giggles. "Oh, I know!" He giggled again. "The – _hic –_Humdingers? Am I right? The humding-"

"Actually, I'm hiding from Sirius. He's in one of his _hyper_ moods, you know? And I -" Remus broke off, giving James a hard look. "Why am I even telling you? You're filled with enough Firewhiskey to spontaneously combust."

"I restrain that!" James said indignantly. There was a short pause.

"I think you mean 'resent'."

"Oh, shut up. I know what I mean."

"Yes, well. How much exactly have you had to drink?"

"Tenty-ay shots – _hic_ – of Firewhiskey." James told Remus proudly. Remus replied with a shudder of disgust.

"Twenty-eight? Merlin, you should be dead by now."

"Well, I'm not. And anyway," James continued loudly, "I would rather be dead than – _hic_ – suffering this eternal torment that I – _hic _– call a _life_."

"Lily turned you down again, didn't she?"

"I don't understand why, Moo-hoony," James drawled drunkenly. "I know she loves me, really. She just needs time to – _hic _– figure it out why she's suffering from such – _hic_ - delusions."

"Well, _someone's_ delusional," Remus muttered under his breath, and then paused. "If you happen to see Sirius on your way to the dormitory, don't tell him where I am."

"Sure, Moo-_hic_-oony." James told him, and a look of relief crossed Remus' face. With a final cheery wave, James moved off in the direction of the dormitory stairs, shuffling his feet to avoid tripping over anything – any_one_ – else. Strangely enough, as he steadied himself in front of his dormitory door, James was almost run over by Sirius Black, who was holding his wand out in front of him.

"Prongs?" Sirius asked genially. "What are you doing here?"

"_Hic_."

"Ah. You're completely smashed, aren't you?"

"I… I… resent that. Completely, yes. _Resent_. Is what… I do." James spluttered, and Sirius tutted.

"Have you seen Moony?"

"Moo-hoony? Oh, he's in the room… ya know, the roooo…" He slurred, and tried again. "The roooooom – _hic_ – hiding from you." It was then that James noticed the strange tint to Sirius' hair. "What happ'nd to your hair, Paddykins?"

"If you ever call me that again, Prongs, I swear to Merlin…"

"Yes," James replied, waving the threat off with a flick of his wrist, "but what about your ha-air?"

"Moony charmed it purple! He initiated a prank war without all the Marauder's consent, and therefore must pay." At this, Sirius grinned in delight.

"Well, he's in the… the Com'n Roooooom."

"In the Common Room? Right. Now's my chance,"

James gave a snort of mirth.

"Do not laugh! These rules are to be taken very seriously. They are seriously serious! We agreed on the seriousness of these rules!"

"Yes, the seriously serious seriosity of the serious…ness, Sirius. Are you serious, Sirius? Ha-ha, serious Sirius."

"Oh, do go on, Prongs. It's not like I've heard _that_ one before." Sirius said dryly before pushing past James and walking to the top of the stairs. James shrugged sleepily before stepping forward into his dormitory. He had just made it to his four-poster when he heard a cry of, "No, Padfoot, no!" before passing out completely, hitting his head on the bedside table on the way down.

---

"Prongs?" James could hear a voice calling his name. "Prongs?"

Groggily, James opened his eyes. Sunlight streamed in through the open window to his left, clouding his vision. He rubbed his eyes vigorously with his fists, stopping almost immediately when a hammer collided with the side of his head.

"OW! Who the bloody hell did that?" James asked quietly, groaning.

"Uh," Came the voice of Peter Pettigrew, James' third and final roommate. "No one did anything. You've got a hangover."

"Oh, no." James groaned softly. "I'm suffering the after-effects of the… drinking effect. Urgh, why didn't anyone warn me this would happen?"

"Moony did. Eight times." Peter said. James looked up at him in disbelief.

"You _counted_?"

"It's what I do." Peter said, looking nervously towards the door. His hesitance lifted James' curiosity.

"Wormtail, what did you do?"

"No! Nothing! Well, it's not what _I _did…"

"What? What happened?" Peter looked towards the door again.

"Padfoot went looking for Moony last night, to punish him for illegally initiating a prank war. He tried to charm Moony's hair to sing in public places, but, well… you know how bad Padfoot is with charms, and his wand's been really dodgy ever since he put that spell on Snape to make him think he was a parakeet."

"Wormtail," James said as firmly as he could with inducing a migraine, "What. Happened?"

"They-" Peter began, but was interrupted by the sound of bickering coming from outside the room. After a moment, Padfoot and Moony burst in, shouting at the top of their voices.

"Oh, do please excuse me for being so rude!" Moony said sarcastically, before stopping to notice James and Peter on the other side of the room. "Oh – I didn't mean to intrude."

Sirius' face contorted into one of disgust.

"It's not my fault, you prude! And all those things over which you've stewed are simply incorrect and lewd!" Sirius said angrily, stomping his foot.

James and Peter exchanged looks.

"You guys," James began softly, "you're rhyming."

"Really, James, you're observational skills have _fabulous _timing. And yes, that we can see – some curse has got its hold on me!" Sirius replied, shaking his head in frustration.

"James, I'm scared." Peter said fearfully, flying to his side. James nodded as emphatically as he could beside him. Sirius opened his mouth angrily.

"Sirius, you do realise this is something that _Wormtail _would do, mate." James said with as much exasperation as he could muster, and Peter nodded sincerely beside him for a few seconds before pausing to arrange his face into an indignant expression and speaking.

"Hey!"

"Yeah," Sirius echoed, "Hey! Wormtail couldn't handle _this_ on his plate! This has _me_ written all over."

When it became clear that Sirius wasn't going to complete the rhyme, Remus opened and closed his mouth, trying to think of something that would be a legitimate rhyme. "Erm… something something… four leaf clover?"

James rolled his eyes.

"You both sound like morons."

Sirius glared at James. "This isn't my fault you bloody nit! Just work out how to get rid of it!"

"Well, what is it exactly?" James asked. Remus paused for a moment, uncertain, before suddenly giving a start of recognition.

"Of course – the rhyming curse. We'll need the cure, it's getting worse, or we'll permanently speak in verse! But I don't know if there's a cure. We'll have to check it to be sure."

"We can't be stuck this way forever! We'll just put our heads together." Sirius paused for a moment. "Aha!" Sirius began pacing the room, stroking his chin. "Detective Padfoot, your humble servant! With detective work I am so… fervent."

"Stop trying to be intellectual, Padfoot. It doesn't work for you." James told him slowly. Padfoot looked injured.

"I am just as smart as you! Maybe even smarter too."

"Look, if we leave it alone, maybe it'll pass." James said, ignoring Sirius' ramblings and earning a sour glare from both Remus and Sirius.

"You can take that suggestion and shove it up your-"

"Language, Padfoot, really," said James superiorly, managing to smirk.

He was really rather proud of himself for that feat.

His head felt like it was about to drop off.


	2. Dedication and Complication

**A/N: Chapter 2, my pretties... bwahaha. Enjoy, and please leave a review!**

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"Okay, here's a book of unusual charms." Remus said cheerfully as he rushed over to the table where the other three Marauders were seated. He sat heavily down on the chair next to James and opened the book. His face fell, however, as he read the first page. "No, wait, it's about running dragon farms."

"Boys, we've been here for two hours. I don't think we're going to find anything anytime soon." James snapped, rubbing his eyes. He couldn't believe he had been dragged out of bed, though he was thankful for the hangover potion Moony had stored in his trunk.

"Well, I'm going to keep looking, go to breakfast if you want. Prongs and Wormtail, bring us back a croissant?"

"What about me? Don't I get to eat? No one will guess, I'll be very discreet!" Sirius began indignantly.

"No, Padfoot, I need your help. I can't do this all by myself!"

"And why the hell not? You've managed before!"

"Well, that was school-work! Now, do we have a rapport?"

"Not anymore!"

"Padfoot, I implore-"

"No, you ignore!"

"Don't try to settle the score! There _is_ no score! Not like before!"

"Yes there is, so stuff your _rapport_-"

"Okay, let's not go round in the circle again, yeah?" James stepped in, staring firmly at both Sirius and Remus, who were huffing and sighing dramatically. "This is just getting way too weird. Plus, people are staring."

"Prongs, you know that we can't help but rhyme. Would you prefer it much more if we started to mime?" Remus asked playfully.

James narrowed his eyes theatrically, and spat back, "Don't be a smart-ass. You know as well as I do that Padfoot has the attention span of a Crup."

"Yeah, you know as well as he does that I have the-" Sirius began, and narrowed his eyes. "Oh, you're just loving this, you're glowing with glee."

"Meh," James replied, shrugging. "I _was_ going to suggest that Wormtail stay up here and research, and Padfoot come down to breakfast with me. But if you're going to be rude about it, Padfoot, I'll just go to breakfast by myself and-"

"I'm sorry, I'll be good. I think I must have just… misunderstood."

"Good boy," James said, patting Sirius' head. Sirius growled but said nothing.

Hey, he was hungry.

---

James and Sirius sat at the Gryffindor Table in the Great Hall, grinning joyfully at the amazing array of foods that were splayed out in front of them.

"That's the best thing about breakfast. The _food_," James said, happily gnawing on a chipolata. Sirius nodded fervently next to him, taking handfuls of scrambled egg and stuffing it into his mouth, attracting several disgusted looks from some uppity Fifth Year Ravenclaws. James was about to yell at them (and point superiorly to his Head Boy badge), but for some reason he found his tongue had stuck to the roof of his mouth. Peculiarly, the words were there, but he just couldn't say them. Suddenly he became aware of a figure that had cast a shadow over his breakfast feast, and when he looked up, the explanation for why he had lost the ability to speak surfaced.

"Ah, Black. Nice to see your table manners have improved," Lily Evans said, frowning. "And Potter, as always, your culinary expertise hasn't ceased to amaze me. So, tell me, does it add to the flavour to leave chipolatas hanging out of your mouth?"

Sirius burst out laughing, and James was suddenly intently aware of the sausage between his lips. _Do something, you moron_, James thought to himself.

"Erm… it tastes good?"

Unfortunately, he had neglected to remove the chipolata before speaking, and it fell heavily onto the table in front of him, missing his plate by at least three inches. Lily stared blankly at him for a second, before inching her face closer towards his. _This is it, _James thought wildly. _Oh, thank you, Merlin-Jesus-God-Mary-Joseph-Buddha-and any other supreme being that may have been responsible for Lily Evans leaning in to kiss me. _James closed his eyes and puckered his lips, waiting for her to get close enough to kiss… but seconds later, the kiss didn't come, and when he opened his eyes he found her waiting a few inches from his face, looking extraordinarily angry.

"You. Dis_gust_ me."

And with that, she walked away, leaving James shocked, miserable, and sore from having kept his lips puckered for so long. He turned to Sirius, lips still pursed.

"Woy dosh she hate me sho, Shiriush?" James said, feeling his lips stuck in a puckered position.

"I don't know, but she sounded serious." Sirius replied. James stared at him.

"Cheater, you can't rhyme 'Shiriush' wisch 'sherioush'!" he had been about to say accusingly, but for some strange reason Sirius was leaning towards him at a disturbingly fast speed, and before James could duck-'n'-cover, Sirius' lips had pressed against James' for a moment before James was pushed into the person sitting next to him. James looked up at the rest of the Gryffindor table, and saw that they were all arranged in a similar fashion – everyone was tilted to the left. Opposite him, Frank Longbottom and Jeremy Silverton were having a loud argument about who-pushed-who, and it was soon obvious that there had been a domino effect around the whole table.

And then James realised that --

"Oh, for the love of Merlin! Oh, the humanity! Ugh, ugh, ugh! _Your_ lips… touched _my_ lips… oh, dear Lord, ugh, ugh, ugh. Oh Merlin, I'm filled with disgust," he said, scratching at his tongue and attempting to wipe it clean.

Sirius paused.

"_Please_ tell me you didn't say, 'lust'."

"No! I didn't! Don't be so stupid!"

"Well if you didn't say 'lust', why don't you prove it?!"

"How do I prove that I didn't say lust? It's my honest word – give me a little trust."

"I do trust you! Well, sometimes, at least."

"Padfoot, is it your wish to be deceased?"

Both boys paused for a moment, and Sirius' eyebrow furrowed in confusion.

"Deceased. Strange word for you to choose." Sirius commented as would-be-casually as possible.

"Well, it's not like I've got much to lose."

"Prongs,"

"Mm-hmm?"

"You're rhyming too, mate."

"What? That's impossible. Hang on, just wait."

"Crap, you _are_ rhyming. Oh, Merlin, what do we do?"

James eyes widened hysterically as he said, "I don't understand! _I_ wasn't charmed too!"

"We need to get Moony, as fast as we can." Sirius said, and with a nod the pair ran to the library as fast as their legs would carry them.

"You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread man." James muttered, accelerating as he raced alongside Sirius.

"Gingerbread man? Like the fairy tale?" At this, James grinned.

"I guess that joke's getting a little bit _stale_."

"HAHAHAHAHAHA," Sirius shouted abruptly. "Not."

"Just the thing to hit the spot."

"Shut up."

"With pleasure. Silence is golden, much like treasure."

Sirius rolled his eyes.

---


End file.
